(This post first appeared on Substack: Writing Magick with Maggie Sunseri. Click to subscribe.)
Without saying anything that could reveal personal information, an early reader of The Discovered told me that Daelon was an abusive piece of shit. They didn’t say it exactly in those words, but it was a fair interpretation of what they did say, I promise. They really, really, really did not like the sexual themes of my book, and they very much didn’t like that I refused to change the dynamic or try to justify it in some way that made sense to them.
After all my talk of “kinky witch sex” I don’t think I’m spoiling anything when I say that I have characters that dabble in kinky dynamics. Daelon falls under the dominant category, Áine the submissive one. However, labels are not explicit in the actual books and the sex is far from Fifty-Shades-level graphic. These books are paranormal fantasy first, sexy romance second. Not that there would be anything wrong with switching the order on those two categories, but that simply isn’t the story that wanted to be told. This series also features queer kinky characters on all sides of the spectrum, like one of my favorite characters Taryn, who is a bisexual, dominant badass. In Aradia, the witch realm, no part of sex and sexuality is taboo, and therefore the witches are able to fully embody their authentic selves without going through any kind of traumatic coming-out situations or discrimination. This was a really important part of my world-building. I think we all need stories that show us the world we want over the one we live in—a world in which struggle doesn’t need to be overcome because it was never present in the first place. (My witches struggle immensely in other ways, though, rest assured.) The witches of Aradia have no need for labels in the domains of gender expression or sexuality. They just… live. Or rather, have sex and love, without justification.
We don’t live in that world, of course. In this world, our every sexual fantasy, attraction, and expression gets put under a sociopolitical microscope and dissected by people on both sides of the political divide for various reasons and criticisms. Sexual conservatives might the be the obvious culprits when it comes to tearing down sexy content, but they aren’t the only ones. On the other side of the aisle, we have radfems, who, among other more problematic stances (such as the exclusion of trans women), generally condemn BDSM as being a coverup for patriarchal exploitation and abuse. In their view, our sexual desires are just an internalization of our social environments, and therefore should be corrected and modified to match a feminist ideal rather than the patriarchal power structures we live under.
This sounds really good! In theory. Like okay, maybe they’re right… maybe all those men who claim to be “dominant” in bed just want to be able to abuse women without facing consequences, and maybe all those women who get turned on by men having all the power are really just internalizing societal misogyny. That could make sense, right?
Well… no. Immediately after processing through the argument you might already be wondering about the most obvious snag in logic: male subs and female dommes. Are the men who want to be thrown around by women internalizing misogyny? To make things even more complicated, what about the queer women who dominate other women? Or any other non-heteronormative representation of kink? What about the people who identify as “switches,” and move between the two roles with different partners or at different times? Is everyone just play-pretending the patriarchy still?
And this brings us to the next line of thought, which is: Why is everyone so freaky? If not from our internalized sociopolitical environment, where the hell does all this freak shit come from? Of course, not everyone who engages in kinky sex considers themselves a part of the BDSM community. In fact, surveys generally show that the vast majority of people who have sex have dabbled in some kind of power exchange, bondage, or non-normative sexual exploration. Furthermore, BDSM is far from a modern product of porn or “the media.” Representations of freaky sex shit have been present in human culture since, like, forever. Look it up. Also, BDSM isn’t the be-all-end-all of non-normative practices. There are plenty of fetishes that have absolutely nothing to do with power exchange. It’s just a very common one, and it is often intertwined psychologically with sex.
Do we know why people are kinky? Well, no. We don’t. At least, not definitively. The common theories in psychology run along the lines of crossed neural pathways, classical conditioning during childhood development, or even that kink is the result of trauma. I’m not much a fan of these. They may work for some cases, but I think the answer is probably very complex and very nuanced, like all big psychological questions. To summarize the current literature and expert opinion, many believe kinky interests are either somehow innate (like a constellation of genes that perhaps predisposes someone to certain fetishes or power dynamic preferences) or developed at some point during either childhood or adulthood during sexual exploration. It’s likely a mix of both, but people in the BDSM community seem to align more with idea that they were simply born that way. Maybe its the anthropology/sociology major in me, but I tend to favor people’s real, lived experiences and stories when it comes to topics in identity over the colder and more detached methods of data collection and theorizing. People have a lot to say, and we should listen!
Now, back to the main topic: Is Daelon an abusive piece of shit? And by extension, are all male doms abusive pieces of shit? I think you can probably guess where I stand, but let’s break this down a little more. Let’s begin with the obvious: gendered violence is a real and pervasive danger in every single space in our society. Whether its a random street, a bar, a restaurant, a college campus, a workplace, an AA meeting, a grocery store, a… you get my point. Women face sexual harassment and assault everywhere we go. It’s an ugly truth, but it’s the truth. BDSM spaces, communities online or in-person, or in private, interpersonal relationships, are no different. Every single sexual or romantic encounter carries the risk of abuse or assault. There are plenty of men who call themselves dominant who probably don’t know nor care about proper safety and consent, and they simply wish to do harm. Just like men who pursue sex in general and choose to do harm.
But anyone who knows anything about BDSM knows the motto is safe, sane, and consensual. Always. People in these spaces go to great lengths to ensure consent for every single action and situation. We know some basic protocols from popular (and problematic) media like Fifty Shades, like discussing limits ahead of time and using safe words. In fact, studies show that people who engage in BDSM communicate better than their vanilla counterparts, and score lower on measures of rape-supportive attitudes. Which makes sense—you can’t be insanely freaky without, you know, talking about it with your partner(s). And practicing vulnerability and communication skills, as well as comprehensive, enthusiastic consent, sets people up for much healthier relationships and sex.
At the end of the day, there are many emerging articles, books, and studies on the psychology of BDSM to read. They are FASCINATING. Sex is supposed to be fascinating. It’s messy, it’s weird, it’s fun, but above all: it’s normal. Not talking about sex has led us to some very dark places, and talking about sex in combative, closed-off ways has led to more misunderstanding, stigma, and dangerous silence. I like to think of sex as an extension of our personalities and complex, ever-evolving, inner psychosocial dramas, much like dreams. Sex brings up subconscious desires, emotions, fears, and experiences, and how we engage in sex allows space for these facets of our minds to be processed and worked through in an ideally safe, vulnerable, and transformative environment. Or at least, that’s what sex can be for people who practice healthy communication and mutual respect.
When it’s all safe, sane, and consensual, I feel absolutely no need to judge or condemn other people’s fantasies and sex lives. Sometimes I find myself thinking, what exactly do radfems imagine the “solution” to BDSM to be? Do they want to prohibit kinky sex on a legal level? Prohibit all talk and media representation of kink or rough sex? Bye-bye erotica and romance genres! Do they want people to squash down their desires, or go to some kind of special therapy to “remove” them completely? (Spoiler alert: that shit doesn’t work. I think we’ve proven that.)
Besides the offensive assumption that all male doms are abusive, I find it rather ironic that supposed “feminists” have posited a theory that ultimately strips women of agency and control. Under the view that BDSM is inherently patriarchal and exploitative, female subs are seen as fully unable to comprehend the nature and consequence of their desires, seen instead as mere pawns in a man’s game. In other words, poor Áine is too stupid to understand that she’s being abused, and though she thinks she likes when Daelon tells her what to do, actually deep down she is being traumatized and doesn’t know it. Because only men have agency and understanding of their desires, of course. Women are just silly and gullible.
Now I’m sure at this point some of you are thinking, maybe it’s just not that deep. Radfems clearly are just reading way too far into sex and romance, ruining all the guilty pleasures of the world (like kinky witch books) for the rest of us. Perhaps. But, also, I think it’s totally valid to question and go deeper into the themes contained in the media we all consume. There are plenty of valid criticisms to be made about men who are controlling in a not-so-hot way, and the lines between hot and problematic can definitely get blurred in books. After all, there’s an entire, very successful genre now that caters to all manner of sick, twisted, and rarely consensual sex—dark romance. These books are clearly more fantasy than reality, and I would love to discuss why the hell so many women are devouring books about the very violence that haunts us in real life, but that’s a subject for Part 2.
The Lost Witches of Aradia books are not dark romance. I almost think dark romance books are easier to skirt under the harsh criticism radar than these books, because at least they can live in the This is Pure Fantasy and Not at All Real category. That’s an easier place to live than our messy, complex reality. Besides the whole witch thing, Daelon and Áine’s sex life is… real. It’s open to criticism just like yours and mine, apparently. But we have to remember the difference between I’m not into this and this is fucking disgusting and if you like it you’re A Problem. I know in our online world the difference between the two mindsets seems rarely achieved, but we must try.
I have more to say, but I’ll leave it for Part 2. And if you’re dying to hear more, please let me know in the comments! I think next time I’ll go deeper into the psychology of kink—why people like it and what it does for them—as well as my thoughts on what it means to truly be sex positive, but I’m open to your thoughts if you have particular themes you’d love to hear more about.
Maggie Update
You think I forgot???? Nope. Things are getting so very exciting and real for my kinky witches! Advanced readers are already beginning to finish The Discovered, and I am absolutely living for their commentary and first thoughts. I didn’t even realize how much I needed some good ole fashioned validation until I got my first dose. I needed it badly. And now I absolutely cannot wait for my big release on January 4th. Pre-orders are also now officially live on all bookseller platforms. Click here to check it out.
Hope everyone has a fantastic rest of the week, including a fruitful, witchy full moon experience on Saturday. I personally will be doing a little check-in tarot card reading and a meditation to get my thoughts in order about the new year. I can’t even believe 2022 is just a couple weeks away. Insanity.
Take care of yourselves, and go watch a cheesy Christmas movie if you’re feeling stressed. That always helps me, at least.
(This post first appeared on Substack: Writing Magick with Maggie Sunseri. Click to subscribe, like, or leave a comment. This newsletter is currently 100% free, but if you want a way to support me you could always share my posts with your friends or Buy Me a Coffee. Or you could buy my kinky witch books!)
