I can’t help but feel like I’ve manifested the life of my dreams. Sometimes none of it feels real. I have to live in a world of limitless possibility and connection, because that’s the world that healed me. After everything I’ve overcome, I’m just grateful to be here with all of you.
I used to be so sick and stuck that I didn’t think inner peace or happiness would ever be in the cards for me. I don’t believe those things anymore. I believe that what we do in this life matters. I believe that it all means something. I believe that in saving ourselves, we can save each other, and that’s what it’s all about.
A candid life and career update: big wins, doubts, weaknesses, and the ever-present struggle for balance
“The secret sauce to achieving big things is to believe in them first. Y’all know I live and die by my planning and subsequent executing, but it’s the dreaming that fuels it all. That’s where it all starts, and that’s where it all leads.”
Anyone who is an addict or has known an addict understands that we have some very Big Feelings. In active addiction, these highs and lows are artificially amplified: they climb to the highest peaks and fall to the lowest abysses, and no one is safe from storms we conjure from these winds of chaos.
We fret about taking too long of showers or leaving the lights on or eating meat or using cucumber melon body wash, but no matter what choices we make, our money is only feeding the beast, and our individual choices are swallowed up by a system that does not care if we live or die with poison in our veins—only that we never stop consuming, never stop working, never stop believing it’s all up to us to fix the world they’ve ravaged.
“By eating animal products, I’ve reintegrated myself into the cycle of life and death, birth and rebirth, killing and thriving. I feel a greater bond to my ancestors, distant and ancient, and a renewed connection to the people I break bread with, the places I visit, the passage of history and the beautiful multiplicity of culture, art, and cuisine.”
I am an artist and I am a business owner, and these two sides of me are often in direct opposition of each other. I can only make the most balanced decision I can at any given moment, and right now, that means prioritizing my short-term livelihood over my long-term vision until I have the freedom to focus entirely on the latter.
There are a vast number of people who do not believe I deserve to be paid for my labor, to put a roof over my head and food on the table, and instead believe I should be pouring my heart and soul into consumable products without charging a dime.
From start to finish, I had been working on this long-term vision for eighteen months before it ever saw the light of day. In those eighteen months I kicked two addictions, unpacked my trauma, wrote three books, finished college, and did everything in my power to create a better life internally and externally for myself.
This is true healing, at its core. It’s belief in our healers to guide us on the right path and belief in our body’s own ability to self-heal. It’s the recognition that everything affects everything else.